ganbei

Everyone knows that China has a lot of people, 1.3 billion by last count. However, I am here to write about a subset of that population, the migrant workers or mobile population. Nationally, there are 150 million migrant workers which is almost half the entire population of the United States. In Beijing alone the number has risen to 5.4 million or 30% of the Beijing population. With that many workers, as any manager would know, it is important to keep them busy. They do say, idle hands is the devils playground. To make sure there is enough work to go around sometimes you have to forgo such modern advancements as trucks. In many cases horses or bicycles are used to transport goods or materials around the city or in the case below, 23 migrant workers. This, of course, includes the supervisor in the front showing the workers how to walk.

In my last post, I recreated images of life here in Beijing through my words. However, since my writing style has been compared to that of a 11 year old boy who is flunking English, I have decided to add a more visual feel to my postings. And by visual, I mean pictures. Be forewarned, my picture taking skills have been compared to that of an 80 year old man with cataracts. For my first visual posting, I have chosen a picture I took over the summer.



Thanks to the revolution of the proletariat, in theory, she lives in a society characterized by the collective ownership of property and the organization of labor for the advantage of all ownership. Although, I don't think Marx or Lenin or even Mao could envision this would lead to a woman using the city street signs to dry her laundry.

For more pictures check out these from our Christmas Party and of course, Leyla.

By the way, I like to put my writing style more on par with a 9 year old boy who is passing English, so snack on that.

Happy New Year 

About a year ago I started a series called Observations, where I would, as an unbiased eye, observe Chinese life and present it to you to increase yours and my understanding of the Chinese culture. While his series has only had one post, it does not mean that I have not been internally recording these ongoings. I now present you the second of this series, aptly called Observations II.

Siren Noises
Spending the majority of my adult life in New York City, I have grown used to having the blaring noise of some sort of siren in the background. Be it ambulance, fire engine, police or everyone's favorite the late night car alarm that goes on well into the night. The siren sets the beat for the New York City street theme music. Now that I have moved to Beijing I find there is no beat, no rhythm to the street, alas no sirens. It is like watching the ballgame with the sound turned off. I don't know if people are playing doctor and sewing up their own knife wounds, fireman and throwing sand on that grease fire, or policeman by chasing down that perp and knifing him causing him to play doctor but there seems to be no call for these professions to come and help people. One word for it is eerie, but as is human nature, I get used to it with each passing day. Besides the noise of the siren has been replaced by the constant noise of construction. Just can't dance to it yet.

Walking Backwards
During my travels through the city of Beijing, I have come across on many occasions, people walking  backwards. Sometimes alone, sometimes in large groups, sometimes next to someone who is walking forwards. At first, this confused me and a dizziness washed over me due to the disorientation. Since the nausea of seeing this strange thing has passed, I have grown accustomed to it. Unfortunately, growing accustomed to it doesn't help me understand it any better. Why are they doing this? Is it to see where they have come from? Are they trying to go back in time to reverse the mistakes of their past? Is this something that Mao taught or did, since the only old people do it? My theory is similar to those who think they can drive a car in reverse to take the miles off, they are just trying to make themselves younger.

Happy Holidays!

The time is 6:28 pm on October 22, 2007. There is an ominous glow outside marking the end of a pleasant day in the city of Beijing. As the sun descends in the sky, a daughter rises out of her mother's womb. Arriving a month early, she is ready to face all the challenges of the world before her, armed with the only thing given to her so far, her name, Leyla. Her response to this is a defiant cry in to the night air.

Qualifying for the super super super mini straw weight division, she seems unperturbed. Her first accomplishment, of what I am sure will be a long list of great accomplishments, is acing her apgar score. However, she may be resting on her laurels. After performing so well, she seems to be bored with what she perceives as an unchallenging world and spends most of her time lying around sleeping.

The proud mother is resting up, regaining her strength. She was going for the record of the easiest pregnancy in the modern era. Then in the 8th month, easy dissolved to hard and that was enough of that. The baby had to come out and out it came, falling two signs short of a Sagittarius. Even the best laid plans go astray. Still, she is a year of the red pig baby.

Here is where you can find some pictures.

After a brief layoff, it was time for the following spouse to get back to doing what he does, follow his spouse around. This time around I was heading right in to the heart of Xinjiang. The first stop Urumqi, the capital, best known for being further from the sea than any other place on earth. From there we would find some sort of transport to the Heavenly Lake and then on to the oasis town of Turpan and the Flaming Mountains where temperatures consistently get above 48 degrees Celsius (118 degrees Fahrenheit) and up to 80 degrees Celsius on the mountain. As you can imagine, I relied on all my survival tactics and knowledge of the desert to make it back from this trip. We were joined by two friends, Sofie and John from Beijing, because no one should go into the desert alone.

While I will let the pictures do most of the talking, some of the highlights included my best meat eating experience here in China, where I had 5 different lamb dishes in one sitting, each deserving title of dish of the night. The best grape juice I have ever had, where the grapes where picked from the vines above our table and then squeezed. The grapes them selves were not bad either. All in all the trip was a good reminder on why I like traveling so much. I got to meet some really friendly people, eat some really good food, saw some magnificent sites and had an overall delightful time. Be sure also to check out pictures of a recent trip to Forbidden City and how fat Mariam has gotten.

P.S. The famed Monkey King survived the Flaming Mountain by borrowing the Iron Fan Princess' palm leaf fan. If you do not know the Iron Fan Princess or are unable to borrow such a fan, here are some Ganbei certified tips to help you survive, like I did, in the desert with temperatures soaring upwards to 48 degrees Celsius.

1 – Drink plenty of fluids. Don't be cheap. Spend the extra 5 RMB ($.65) for 4 more bottles.
2 – Wear a hat no matter how ugly. An umbrella works well too. Some people, as you can see in the pictures, actually opt for both.
3 – Wear proper clothing and footwear and flip flops are not proper desert foot wear regardless of what the salesman is trying to tell you.
4 – Make sure all transport is air conditioned, even if this means waiting an extra 2 hours for the car to arrive to inspect it when making the transport booking.
5 – And most importantly, stay in a cool air conditioned place from the hours of noon to 4pm. I can not stress this enough. Stay out of the sun. That thing will burn the hairs off a pigs back, it will.

Earlier this February, the Chinese ushered in the Year of the Pig with deafening fireworks and over indulgent meals. The Chinese lunar calendar, you see, gives each year one of 12 zodiac signs with years rotating through the five elements - gold, wood, water, fire and earth. Children born during the year of the pig are said to benefit from the animal's image as fat, happy and prosperous. Children born when the Year of the Pig coincides with the element of gold, occurring once every 60 years, are said to be blessed on top of that. As luck would have it, my child producing abilities fall during this time. And while I don't believe in this mumbo jumbo, how could I pass up such an opportunity to have my child born during the same year as millions of other Chinese babies. Just think of the competition they will have.

Such is the belief in this astrology that 5 other women in my wife's office are also pregnant causing a bit of a human resource problem and a 20% increase in babies being born in China leading to a maternity ward shortage problem with potential social and economical problems to follow.

Now that I have come clean about the impending baby, I would like to answer some of the many questions I have received.

1) Will you be coming back to the US to have the baby?
No. Since the Chinese population is 1.3 billion, more than 4 times the size of the US, I figure they know what they are doing. I would choose this type of experience any day. In fact, there is a rumor that the required 3 day stay at the hospital, here in Beijing, is more like checking into a luxury hotel, complimented with a candlelit dinner complete with wine after the baby is born.

2) Since the baby will be born in China will the baby get Chinese citizenship and passport?
Unfortunately, no. I am not too worried though, the baby will inherit the worlds best citizenship and passport, Pakistani. Who really needs anything else.

3) Is that true? Will the baby get Pakistani citizenship?
No, it is not true. First, I am not Muslim. Second, we were not married by an Imam because see first reason. Because of this, Pakistan does not recognize our marriage, thus does not recognize any of our children. The poor baby will have to learn to live with just US and British citizenship.

4) Was this planned?
I am not aware of many other pregnancies that were planned as carefully as this one. The soon to be mother, my wife, had decided that the baby should be born in the year of the red pig (see above) and be a Sagittarius like herself.

5) Are you going to find out if it is a boy or a girl?
Yes, eventually, that is. I figure I will wait about a month or so after he or she is born. I feel it is important to respect his or her privacy in the first few days. It must be hard enough to be thrust from the peaceful solitude of the mother's womb to this crazy often unexplainable world without people looking at your privates.

6) Are you excited?
Yes, although, that feeling may be misinterpreted with the real feeling of terror. Putting on a brave face in front of this life long task that I am no where near prepared for, I am sticking with excited.

7) We hear that in china, new mothers get a special nanny to sleep in the same bed as the mother and help in the taking care of the baby through the night, while the otherwise useless father is exiled to another room, will you be following this practice?
As much as I was for moving into a bed that promised sleep through the night leaving the waking up and feeding to other, more qualified people, I have been vetoed. I am still pushing my 3 nanny around the clock coverage agenda but it has been coming up against some tough opposition in the house. I am holding firm on my never changing a diaper stance and you have my promise not to back down.

When I moved over to China a year ago, the move did not go unnoticed in the Beijing softball community. In fact, it cause quite a stir amongst the scouts and it wasn't long before teams came calling asking about my availability. After all, I have been referred to as a young Derek Jeter on more than one occasion. In the end it came down to two teams bidding for my services, the US Embassy and the Canadian International School. Yes, the US Embassy represented my home country but the Canadians gave me a better deal with the promises of a less aggressive foreign policy which I had put into my contract. Now I roam a very well cut but long grassed center field. Playing a little shallow daring them to hit it over my head and more so the short fences, not worried about the sun in my eyes which has been blotted out by the smog. I hope to one day be uttered in the same breath as other great Canadian athletes like Bill Phillips, the first Canadian born player to play professional baseball breaking the racist Canadian barrier in 1879, 1997 MVP slugging outfielder Larry Walker, or Bryan Adams, the Canadian rocker best know for his hits Summer of 69 and Heaven. Sadly, since I am not Canadian born, the best I can hope for is a Joe Carter or Andrea Dawson status, both American born players who have made it into the Canadian Baseball Hall of Fame.

Now, how it really happened. I scoured the Internet and the local publications for anything relating to softball. Once I found a league, I pestered the commissioner to put me on a team. He eventually gave in and put me on his team. I have not been paid but Canada still has not invaded a country since I started playing, after the first game I did get two coupons for free massages and after the second game I received a 15% discount card to a pub around the corner. Also there is a team bus that gets me to and from the games which is a good 45 minutes away on the other side of Beijing. We play on a beautiful, well kept field which is part of the Olympic Softball Stadium complex. Not bad for an aging, washed up American softball player, who is destined to be played by Hollywood go to guy for washed up ball players, Kevin Costner, in the made for TV movie. A poignant story about one man's journey for redemption set against the backdrop of the Beijing softball world. A journey where he will have to learn to defeat more than just the other team across the diamond on his way to the Canadian Baseball Hall of Fame.

With the Olympics a little over a year away, China is working hard to improve their image. After a successful campaign to limit the spitting in the city of Beijing, where the sinus-clearing, phlegmy pre-spit hawking sound was once dubbed the national anthem, the Chinese powers that be have turned their attention to queuing. Thats right, the simple act of standing in line and waiting your turn. The current Chinese method of queuing is reminiscent of a group of preschool kids lining up for the most popular toy at play time, utter chaos. This is soon to be a thing of the past.

The eleventh day of each month is officially designated "Queue Day" for Beijing residents. The idea is to discourage queue jumping and encourage more respect for public order. Those behind the initiative say the number "11" represents two people in a line.

An opinion piece in the Beijing News is all for the new move; it says queue jumping brings disgrace on all Chinese people - especially for a nation known to be the home of propriety since ancient times. It says that such simple behavior as waiting in line has always been one of the hallmarks of civilization. It adds that during the development of modern cities, respect for public order and morality was key to maintaining a functioning society. The article calls for every day to be a "queue day" - and not only for people but also for cars! In this way, it concludes, the end of a queue will become a place where the true nature of a harmonious society can be found.

The campaign has been launched with slogans for each district in Beijing. The northwestern Haidian has simply "I am a member of the queue" while the others get more into the spirit of the day. The western district of Xicheng has "Voluntarily wait in line, be polite and put other people first", central Dongcheng has "I care about and participate in the Olympics and set an example by queuing" and finally, my favorite, from the fashionable Wangfujing "It's civilized to queue, it's glorious to be polite".

While there are volunteers through out the city to help you queue, I thought it was best to provide a visual aid. Simply click on this link to see us hikers being polite and putting other people first. Isn't it glorious. Here are the rest of the pictures from two different hikes.

On this thing they call the information super highway there has been a road block in the form of the Great Firewall of China preventing me from accessing certain web sites on the Internet. None more important, more informative, more entertaining than the blog, Ganbei. For those who don't know, the Great Firewall of China is a way for China to block web content they do not want read inside the mainland. Recently, the site Live Journal, my blog's host, made it on the list of blocked content. Like a giant rock thrown in a still pond, this has sent many ripples through the blogging community. First a wave of disbelief, being washed away by disgust and finally being washed away by disappointment. Disappointment in it has now been over a month since the last posting.

It seems like someone wasn't digging what I had to say. They were not too happy with my fiery brand of social commentary. Such disturbing pieces like my take on vengeance or my scathing open letter to my apartment building's management company must of hit a nerve. A nerve that lead right to a firewall.

Because of this, Ganbei has been force to move underground. It has evolved and morphed to survive in todays world. It has become more stealth like. Call it cold war tactics if you like. I will hit and slip back into the shadows. To the safety of the underground. I can't say when the next posting will be. Most likely when you are not looking and least expect it.

For now enjoy some new pictures the Ziggy Marley concert. The pictures were taken with a camera phone and are not my best work. However, the unofficial Marley family website recognized my talent and put my pictures on their site.

In the last episode of “Following Spouse” our hero had survived a shoe shopping spree in Northern Italy. Now he is off to India, the land of technology (offshoring) and over acting. But this trip was more than just about the subcontinent, it was about one of the 7 wonders of the modern world. The Taj Mahal. The original, which is much nicer than the one in Jersey. And since it was in Agra it would be our hero's 5th city in a 2 week span.

The story behind the Taj goes like this: Boy meets girl. Boy falls in love with girl. Boy and girl get married. Girl has 13 babies. Girl mortally wounded giving birth to the 14th child. Girl, as demanding as girls can be, has 3 dying wishes. 1, never marry again. 2, always love their children. 3, build a monument of their love that has no comparison. Boy wanting to prove his love accepts. Boy spends many resources and years to build girl's tomb. Girl laid to rest in greatest monument of love every built. An interesting epilogue to this story is that one of the children the boy was to love arrested the boy and seized power. Boy never got to build his own tomb, one in black to match the white marble of the girl's tomb. Boy is laid next to girl in the only unsymmetrical part of the Taj.

First my attempt to describe it in words. Majestic, rising up on it's platform giving it an unmistakable stature. Marble shinning bright as a star changing colors as the day changes hours. Left mirroring right, in perfect balance. Muslim, Christian, Jewish, Hindu and Buddhist architectures living harmoniously as one. Beauty, captured and erected, embodying one mans love for his wife. They say love is beauty, if this is true, I have never seen a better manifestation than here.

Since my words failed to describe the true beauty of the place I will try to do it with pictures, although, I know this will also fail to do it justice. There are also a lot of pictures of monkeys so consider yourself warned. Why you may ask, because monkeys are funny of course. You may notice that there are no pictures of Delhi itself. I felt that the pictures of all the shops that Mariam went into and all the things she bought were not interesting enough to post. She insists that all the street food she ate had we actually taken pictures would have been worth posting. The food critic in her says and I quote “it was yummy”. I, of course, only have her word for it.

All in all, the Taj trip stats breakdown like this: 16 hours of flying. 9 hours of driving. 1 car accident, 1 hour waiting in traffic. 2 hours sitting on a non moving plane. 15 hours waiting in airports. 4 hours sleeping on an airport chair. Still worth it but not as much before I spent the night in the Delhi airport because of the Beijing fog. I'll get you Beijing.

Ever since I decided to leave my life in New York and move to China, I have been labeled as a “Following Spouse”. Now I have never given the term much thought, that is until now. It seems I have been taking the term quite literally. On my wife's most recent trip to Turin, I decided to live up to my moniker and follow her there. While we had a great trip, I am not here to talk about that. I am not here to talk about all the great food and wine we had, sites we saw or the shoes Mariam bought. Nor am I here to talk about our day in Milan, the Pinacoteca or the shoes Mariam bought. This is a China experience blog after all.

The term “Following Spouse” is a byproduct of the diplomatic life I have been thrust into. A life that brings with it as much good as it does bad. Still, I am not here to talk about all that. I will save that for another posting. I am here to focus on just one of the perks of my most recent experience. In the midst of my 10 hours of flying to get back to Beijing, there was a 7 hour layover. I know what you are saying, “Hey Jason have you lost your mind, how is that a perk?”. Well that layover was in no ordinary city, it was in Paris. The city of light, the home of the Mona Lisa with her enigmatic smile, the city of Quasimoto and Maurice Chevalier, the place Rick and Ilsa would always have, surrogate home to Hemingway, Fitzgerald, and Joyce. Taking full advantage of the time, I rushed off to the center of town to meet my friend Nikola for lunch at a Parisian bistro named Brasserie Flo. The meal had all the earmarks of good French food. Nice steak, potatoes soaked in creamed butter, excellent bread and of course French wine. After a most satisfying meal it was back to the airport and en route to Beijing.

In the next edition of “Following Spouse” read all about our hero as he follows his spouse to Delhi, India.

Now the pictures of all the things I wouldn't talk about.

Now it has been six months since we have arrived on the shores of China and not once has someone from abroad come to visit us. After contemplating this problem, I have come to the conclusion that the word of mouth marketing is not working. I needed something more, something grander, something extreme to bring the people over. So I put on my marketing cap and came up with the piece below in the hope that one of the big wigs from Lonely Planet or Frommers comes across it and puts it in their travel guide.

Tian An Hao Yuan

Situated right next to Chaoyang Park, the biggest urban park in Asia, Tian An Hao Yuan is an ideal destination for any traveler and with no sandstorms in 270 days it is the perfect time to come. Be it a short or long stay, you will feel right at home. The central location gives great access to all the best sites, shopping, restaurants and bars Beijing has to offer. Beijing is also known as the gateway to Asia and a perfect jumping off point to destinations beyond. As the Chinese like to say, Beijing is not just for Communists anymore.

Focusing in on Tian An Hao Yuan, here are just a few of the amenities you will find available

Sleeping

With over 245 square meters, two guest bedrooms and large couches, there is always room at Tian An Hao Yuan. During high season, September to mid-November, and special events, Olympics or Spring Festival, it is best to make reservations. If for some reason you are unable to make a reservation or just want to show up unannounced, no worries, no visitor will be turned away. Be sure to ask about the sheets rentals.

Eating

The Kitchen – Open 24 hours, this do it your self eatery has it all. Try the home made dumplings, they are truly outstanding. The wait service is a little erratic and at times down right rude, however, the Kitchen is usually well stocked and is ideal for late night snacking. One critic writes “it's better than a sandwich from a gas station”. Still not satisfied, room service is just a quick phone call away to the many delivery establishments.

Drinking

The Bar - A fully stocked bar says it's always party time at Tian An Hao Yuan. If it's just knocking a few back or drinking till you forget that you are in China, Tian An Hao Yuan has what you need. In it's latest review, The Bar, received 5 Yelts on the Boris Yeltsin rating scale and if that doesn't say good times than I don't know what does.

Entertainment

If offering you a place to sleep, eat and drink wasn't enough, Tian An Hao Yuan offers the best in legal and legal+ entertainment. Slept too much, go and figure out how to play snooker in the snooker room downstairs. Ate too much, work off those extra calories in the fully functioning gym or recently opened pool. Drank too much, well give your mind a rest by sitting back and watching all the latest releases on the 42 inch flat screen TV. No matter what your condition, Tian An Hao Yuan has something to offer. Still nothing of interest for you, well you can just go out and buy whatever it is that does interest you. It is all made here anyway and I think you will find the prices quite reasonable.

Spa

The bathroom is equipped with a whirlpool tub and down by the pool there is Swedish/Turkish sauna as well as hot and cold whirlpools. For those travelers looking for more, a short walk away is the ancient Chinese tradition of blind massage. Painful at first, it wont take long for the pain to fade to pleasure. Be careful, they are so addictive you will be going once a week without fail. They are so addictive, you will step over your own wife to get one.

Pictures

Don't believe me, well do not take my word for it, see for yourself.

This year, I anticipated the holiday season with an eagerness that I have not felt in quite a long time. After all, this would be my first Christmas in China and I was very curious on how the Chinese would embrace the holiday. Would they disregard it as they did All Saints Day, would they use it as an excuse to have a day off from work or would they really get into the spirit of the holiday. Well it didn't take long after Thanksgiving for me to find out what the commercial side of Beijing would do. Not only did they embrace it, they attacked it with the same ferocity as they attack eating dinner. They attacked it with a total disregard for taste, coordination or moderation. Christmas lights have taken over the city with a large nativity set as the showpiece of the neighborhood.

The building I live in did not escape the Christmas frenzy, taking part in a competition with the neighboring apartment buildings equal to the Soviet-US cold war arms race. From all the workers wearing Santa hats to draping lights all over the entrance in a scene that reminds my of Snoopy's dog house. In my attempt to play Linus to their Snoopy, I tried to tell them the true meaning of Christmas. With a polite but blank looks on their faces, which I have grown accustom to, they listened. I think I confused them a bit with all the shepherds and talking angels, for alas it did not work. Their unmovable response was “it is so beautiful”. Defeated, I slunk back to my apartment vowing to try again next year when I will be better prepared.

You can't quite get the same feeling but here is a link to a few Christmas pictures.

Mariam and I do want to take this time to wish everyone Happy Holidays and a New Year filled with joy and happiness.

The Chinese are rumored to have all these secrets on how to do things better than us westerns. When I was younger, this always captivated my imagination. That is until TV ruined it. I was watching the commercial where someone wanted to know how a Chinese cleaner got clothes so white and clean. The shop owner replied “Ancient Chinese Secret” only to be revealed as a fraud seconds later when we learn that it was Calgon that got the job done. The idea of the Chinese having these secrets crumbled right around me. After all they were just passing off western products as something of their own. For me, Ancient Chinese Secrets quickly faded into myth.

Then one fateful night, these secrets where resurrected as quickly as they faded. You see, with the change of weather here in Beijing, I had come down with a bit of a stuffed nose and scratchy throat. I tried treating it with western products like nose drops and cough drops but with no success. My condition was no more evident than during my weekly massage. The masseuse notice this and quickly suggested boiled coke with ginger. Desperate, I agreed and before I knew it I had a cup of this concoction in my hands. Then, in quick succession, I received 3 surprises. First, it did not taste as bad as I thought it would. Second, it actually worked. Third, I was amazed to discover that the Chinese and not the Americans invented coke back in 1388 making this an Ancient Chinese Secret.

The story, as told to me, goes something like this. In the late 13th century China, the wine market was very competitive with each wine maker trying to bring something better to the marketplace than rice wine. This was never more true than in 1388 when each wine maker was trying to come up with a wine to mark the 20th anniversary of the Ming rule. A young hotshot, named Zhu Yuanzhang, had the bright idea to carbonate the wine in what turned out to be the worlds first grape soda. This new drink never caught on with the adults. One drinker stating “Sure it taste better than rice wine but where is the inebriated feeling that makes me feel tougher, smarter and better looking than everyone else.” However, there was one silver lining, due to the high sugar content, the drink was a hit with kids and it took off from there.

Over the years different flavors were introduced from cherry to plum and then finally to what we know today as coke. Life went on for many years in China and all was well. Her children were hopped up on coke and her adults were oblivious as they were all dopey on opium. That is until some stick in the mud, named Lin Tse-hsu, came along. He concluded that China was being ruined by it's opium addiction and the real culprits were the English who supplied and profited from this. Lin started pushing the British around, shouting at them to and I quote “go home and give your village back their idiot, you silly git”. The English weren't too happy about this and since the English are never at peace unless they are at war, went to war in 1839. A few years later, in 1842, after fighting so poorly, the Chinese were force to surrender and to the English went the spoils of war which included coke. The English were quite keen to get the rights to this particular product.

However, after the British found out coke wasn't what they thought it was, they tossed it to the Americans as table scraps from the great opium feast they were having. The American government didn't quite know what to do with this strange drink at first. Sure it was great for cleaning toilets but they already had the Irish. Finally, one day in 1887 the government sold the rights to coke for $2,300 to Asa Candler. By the late 1890's it was the most popular fountain drink in America largely because of Asa's mercenary approach to doing business and rubbing out of the competition.

So there you have it, a little history that has been conveniently wiped from the annals of western history and a home remedy, an ancient secret no less, all wrapped up in one post. Be well and if you are not, a little boiled coke and ginger may just do the trick.

Being the diplomat that I am, I thought it would be a good idea to represent the US by playing the good tourist and visiting some of the sites of China. First on the list was the Great Wall. A friend of a friend knew someone who was organizing a tour and there is a chance I may be able to join. I thought, a friend of a friend, yeah, sign me up. Before I knew it, I was traveling in a minibus at 8 in the morning with 20 other random people.

My first impressions were not at all what I expected. I certainly didn't think I was going to be walking up and down the wall for 5 hours. How big is this thing anyway? I certainly didn't think the only way up to the wall was through brush with thorny bushes. I certainly didn't think that it was in such disrepair that a wrong step could send me tumbling down in great pain. And I certainly didn't expect for my legs to ache for days afterwards. However, like any good tourist, I showed a good face, snapped a few pictures and commented on how great this wall was. Once at home I sent these pictures to a friend. Said friend quickly replied that he has seen pictures of the Great Wall and this was not the Great Wall. Then added and I quote “you got duped, you stupid American tourist. You just paid a guy to take you to a bunch of rubble which he claimed was the Great Wall.”

Disheartened, I googled “Great Wall” and sure enough he was right, the wall I went to had no McDonald's nor throngs of children trying to sell me water for the price of all the tea in China. In fact, there wasn't anyone on the wall except the people who came on the mini-bus with me. No loud Americans amass with their white sneakers and high white socks, no groups of German backpackers complaining about the Americans, no jamboree of Japanese tourists taking pictures, no assemblage of Australians munching on their vegemite sandwiches, nobody at all. Also, the wall on the Internet was in much better shape and didn't look as dangerous to walk on. What can I say, I am a stupid American tourist.

You can see for yourself the results of me getting duped by looking at the above mentioned pictures by clicking here.

This is just the beginning of the new and more visual direction that the blog is taking. This will give me a whole different avenue to bore you with. While there, also check out pictures from a recent trip to Tibet where I received a special blessing for long life from a Llama at the Potala Palace, so I have that going for me which is nice. Of course there are no pictures of this since this is a sacred moment between a man and his Llama.

Over the past month or so a great travesty has taken place at Park Apartments, 17 Chaoyang Park West Road in Beijing. Now, I openly implore you, management company, to fix the wrong you have forced upon us occupants like such a harsh pestilence. If this wrong goes uncorrected, I assure you, you will lose the support of this tenant and possibly more as other tenants join me in this great cause.

The problem I refer to is, of course, the changes in personnel at the reception desk in the name of better service. Gone are the precious young girls so vital to the running of this building be it for good or for bad. Gone are favorites such as the girl with the glasses, the silly girl who called herself Wendy, and the one with short hair who didn't know who Wendy was even though she was standing right next to her to name just a few. Their livelihood snatched away from them depriving them of a place to misuse the English language.

Now the sight of 6 workers behind the desk is just a faint memory. In it's place are one or two qualified workers who may provide better service than the many but do it with a cold mechanical unsmiling approach to their job which reminds me of a Soviet era East German worker.

Now there may be some who are enjoying this new level of competency and may even have been the one to instigated the change. Trust me they do not know what they are talking about. They fail to see beneath the surface. Sure even I, in moments of weakness, enjoy some of the pluses these new scabs have to offer but in the end there is something missing. Take this actual conversation that took place a couple of months ago.

Receptionist and Jason exchange Ni Haos
R: The workers here to replace the door.
J: What door?
R: Your door to your apartment.
J: My door needs to be replaced? Why does my door need to be replaced?
R: The workers are here. When can they come?
J: Why do I need a new door?
R: Yes, new door.
J: (a bit frustrated, I decided to change my line of questioning) Does the new door have a peephole? (yes, we have no peephole in our door)
R: We have a new door for you.
J: Does it come with a doorbell ?(don't have one of those either)
R: Maybe. The door is new (as if this will make it alright).

After going through this for another 10 minutes I finally give in and say yes.

J: Yes they can replace the door. When will they come? Now?
R: No.
J: When?
R: The workers are here now. Can they come now?
J: OK, how long will it take?
R: Uh. I don't know, maybe you can ask them.
J: Do they speak English.
R: No. I will come also to help.
J: OK. Thank you.
R: Thank you. Babbye.

Now the same conversation with these new unfriendly, lifeless robots would go something like this:

R and J exchange Ni Haos
R: We need to replace your door with a stronger more secure door. The workers are here now. Can they come up and do it now? It will only take an hour.
J: I see. Does the new door have a peephole or a doorbell.
R: No but it is a new door (new is very important to them). Is now OK?
J: Sure, now is fine.

Now the second conversation may have taken a 20th of the time, been more efficient, and there was a clear understanding by both parties on what need to be done but where is the adventure of not knowing what was going to happen next. Sure you could fault the energetic pretty little girls but it's not their fault that they don't have the same level of training or intelligence or common sense as the new ones.

In closing, I beg of you, management company, to bring back the lovable, sweet, grossly incompetent young girls of the past. The ones who smiled and giggled every time I talked to them. I was content in not knowing what or when or why things would happen around the building. Happy that my requests went unfulfilled even after the fourth time asking. Please don't turn a blind eye and a deaf ear thinking that this problem will take care of itself. It wont. You see, I can handle the fact that my bathroom door is clear glass and that the shower door doesn't close and that you start construction in the apartment next to mine at 7 in the morning on a Sunday but taking away the truly useless but adorable face of this building, I cannot stand for.

Sincerely.
C-1101

When last I left you, there was a newly created void in my life left by the failures of TV to entertain me in Beijing. Now, I need to deal with this new feeling of disappointment that TV has never given me. This must be the same feeling the Brazilians have when their soccer team doesn't win the World Cup. Not to be defeated though, I reached deep down inside and found the courage to move on and I am proud to say that the recovery has started.

One of the steps in my recovery process is to come up with a list of things to do, a To Do List if you will. I would like to share some of entires on that list with you now. The entries have been chosen at random although some random entries have been deleted from this posting due to their illegal content or subject matter that may not be suitable for children.

3. Learn the language. Yeah, yeah, I know you have heard this before but the language is still all shmooboly gooboly to me. Did you know the Mandarin word shi has 32 different English meanings, including the number 10, poetry and feces. To make it even harder shi sounds very similar to she, shie, shei, sho, and sher with each of those words having multiple meanings. So when someone uses the word shi and I don't hear it just right I have to choose from over 100 possible meanings. A challenge like this is going to call for a change in my approach to learning. Some new innovative techniques like studying, pay attention in class and showing up to class on time to name a few. It's this new kind of approach that may just be crazy enough to work.
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9. Fix the pollution problem here in Beijing. Very simply, I want my sky blue again.
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15. Visit the Great Wall. I would like to go and say thank you to the brave men and women who stand on that wall and say “nothing will hurt me, not on their watch.” Those who provide the blanket of security that I sleep under, valiantly defending me against the raiding Mongol hoards.
....
28. Get a job. Back in New York, I told people that I was semi-retired. We all had a good laugh and then moved on. Little did I know of the rather big mistake or slip of the tongue I had made. Semi-retired also means semi-not-retired. Now I have to semi-look-for-a-job and semi-work. This semi-sucks.
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47. Visit the Forbidden City. This would have been higher on the list but I just found out that anyone can go to the Forbidden City. Not so forbidden is it. I thought it was for just fancy diplomats types, like myself. Instead I have to see it with the rest of you schmoes.
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60. Learn how to use the dishwasher. Before we moved into this luxury apartment of ours we asked, no demanded that the landlord buy us a dishwasher. I mean there was no way we going to live without a dishwasher in the apartment after all we had one even in our NY apt which is less than half the size of this apt. Finally we convinced the landlord to shell out the money and before we knew it, it was delivered to our apartment. A mere two weeks and many maintenance men later it was installed and ready to go. In the meantime, the maid has gone about her merry way singing to herself and washing the dishes by hand. After we showed her this marvel of modern technology she smiled and to our surprise continued to do them by hand. Well thats not going to stop me after all that effort to get the dishwasher and the much larger effort to get it installed. The only problem is that the instructions and LCD is all in Chinese. I am sure if I press enough buttons it will start working. If that doesn't work pressing many buttons at the same time is sure to do the trick.

While I was back in New York many people asked me how do I spend my time? A fair question which I avoided with some vague answers like learning the language or looking for a job. Yeah right. Now that I am back in China, facing days with nothing to do, I need to try and come up with a real answer to this question. As I sit here and type, thinking about this question, I realize the answer is quite simple. I can just turn to my old friend, TV. TV hasn't let me down yet and I doubt it will start now.

Now just sitting around and watching TV, being lazy and getting fat sounds great on the surface but when I sit down with my old friend, I find it not so simple. This mostly has to do with the fact that TV in China is not very good, even with an illegal satellite dish. I think you will get a better understanding after I give you a quick survey of the channels it has to offer.

• To start with there are 52 channels in total which 20 years ago would have sounded like a lot but in today's abundant media age it is like getting tickets to the world cup and seeing Angola play Togo.
• 30 of these channels are in English, which is important because it is the only language I understand.
• 4 Christianity based channels that triples in number on Sunday mornings. The last time I tuned into one of these channels, the Evangelical minister was preaching about how women should stop their whining and stay out of their husbands way as he goes through life. While this sounded great in theory, it was not received too well by Mariam so I thought it best, for my wellbeing, to stay away from these types of sermons.
• 2 around the clock soft core porn channels which is a nice compliment to the religious channels.
• 1 channel dedicated to reality TV. I am never to far away from the edge of your seat drama of a “Tribal Council”.
• 1 channel dedicated to wine and all things wine. Excited at first, I quickly realized it is the same few shows shown over and over again. After a few watchings, I get it, I understand how the barrels are made. Also, I don't think I can take another whine/wine pun leaving this on the channels not put on list.
• 2 music video channels. I know I have been out of touch for a while and not as hip as the average teenager but who are the “Was (Not Was)”? Why do they want to “Walk Like a Dinosaur”? And why did they think it was a good idea to make a cheesy 80s like video? Oh wait, it is an 80's video. How sad.
• 1 Travel Asia channel which broadcasts travel shows on the sites throughout China and neighboring countries. The production quality is so poor on these it reminds me of the videos played during karaoke.
• 2 children programming channels which would have been great if they were in Mandarin but they are in English and my mind has not completely turned to mush, yet.
• There is no weather channel but I do lose reception right before and during rain storms which is something.

Now it is not all that bad of the 17 odd channels I have left, I have the following:

• 3 Sports channels which is great especially if you like constant reruns of X games and golf. It is, however, a good entry into the glorious sport of ping pong.
• 4 News/Financial News channel keeping me in touch with what is going on in the world and letting me know what my level of fear should be. At least none of the 4 channels is FOX News.
• 4 Discovery type channels. Very educational. I especially like the shows on monkeys because monkeys are funny.
• 2 channels of sitcom/TV show programming. I just can't get enough of Queer Guy in Manila and who can forget the viewing excellence of Joey.
• And, finally, that leaves me with 4 movie channels left as my last refuge. A refuge that has left me naked in the barren wasteland of TV for expats in China.

I will leave you now so I can grapple with this new feeling of disappointment I have with TV and come up with an alternative to my old friend. A new friend to help me keep busy and off the streets where the temptation to commit petty crimes runs too high.

Now that I have been in Beijing for a few months, while not considered a local, I feel I am in a position to make a few casual observations. What better way to make those observations than on the Internet for all to read. This posting is actually the first in a series of Observations postings that I will do during my stay here, so stay tuned for more. Today, I would like to discuss some of the differences between New York, a place where I have lived for many years, and Beijing the place I am living now.

Haircuts
New York – A haircut for me is a very common place event, consisting of no more than 20 minutes of my time. I enter, I sit, sometimes they wash my hair and before you know it I go from shaggy to presentable. All for the reasonable cost of $15-$20 plus tip.

Beijing – A haircut has take on a whole new meaning. I sit down and get an oil head message for about 30 minutes followed by a upper back and arm massage for 15 minutes. Then some washing and cutting or something, not really sure. Actually, what happens next doesn't really matter I am so relaxed. All this for $5 and tips are not accepted.

Touching or Grabbing of One's Arm
New York – The touching or grabbing of one's arm is looked at as an act of aggression that could lead to a throwdown, Brooklyn style.
 
Beijing – The touching or grabbing of one's arm is a way for a sales person to pull you in and to try to peddle their wares. And this is no gentle touch. They grab on and don't let go. They're like a fisherman who has not eaten for days.

Smoking in Bars
New York – You can't do it. Nothing like clean fresh air keeping my lungs healthy as I destroy my liver with alcohol.

Beijing – You can and they do. They do it while you are eating, they do it while they are eating, they chain smoke all night long. A night out in Beijing is like taking a smoke filled shower that rains down ash instead of water. When you come home your hair, your clothes smell like an old, well used ash tray. Or as Mariam puts it, after a night out in Beijing one smells like smelly socks worn as a hat.

Tap Water
New York – Drink it down. Enjoy. Have as much as you want. It's cool, refreshing and good for you.

Beijing – It is like poison. Foul and noxious. It will rip your insides apart. Drink too much and you are going to have a long date with the potty and may not be able to walk for days.

Until the next posting enjoy your boring haircuts, hands off policy and clean air and water.

Now those who know me, know that I am not a vengeful person. I have never deliberately harmed someone for harming me. The whole idea was always lacking something for me, that is until now.

You see I always looked upon revenge as a flaw that humans have inherited. Lacking in grandeur. Confined to their own simplicity and lack of imagination. Then one day, as I was flipping through a local listings magazine, I came across the add below and I am completely turned around on revenge altogether. Now instead of being a petty act, it can be something so much more biblical and the acid is just bonus. To think, I had to leave the US to find my own brand of vengeance. And I have the Chinese's government to thank. Who would have thought their pursuit to control Mother Nature would have so many practical applications.

Now I do not have any enemies here in China but when I do they should all keep an umbrella handy and not plan any outdoor events.

I wonder what kind of range I can get on this thing?